by RYAN BOLTON
Remember that night when you were out on the town, feeling confident in your crisp, avant-garde outfit, lapping up the good times with John, Beth and Walid? You were fielding looks from the left, right and behind. It was then, out of the corner of your contact lens, that you spotted a man that wore what Beth was wearing – but pulled it off better. Yep, it’s okay. We saw it, too.
Chances are you have seen, are, or have befriended a male that carries the moniker metrosexual like he does a Prada bag. The prefix metro is added to all those male sexuals that dress better than you, follow an exfoliation regimen, make low fat crème brûlées, pay more than $100 on a haircut and are straight. You know what we are getting at here. Pretty boys that make the bar’s hot girl drop a peg in the good-looking hierarchy. The guy that outspent the duration of a Frank Sinatra concert shaving his sideburns. The guy that guys go to when they are going out on a date and need a quick makeover. Writer Mark Simpson is the man behind the term metrosexual. He coined it way back when we lost Kurt Cobain in ’94 and has been defining the phenomenon of well-kept boys ever since. The best definition: A metrosexual is a clotheshorse wrapped around a dandy fused with a narcissist. Well put. We thought we would do our own deconstruction of the meticulously good-looking boys.
This men’s magazine will be found rolled up and clutched in the metrosexuals manicured hands. It is also used to wave down taxis from time to time.
The metrosexual’s mirror is simply a photo of David Beckham. Some mirrors, however, come in limited-quantities showcasing Ryan Seacrest.
It doesn’t exist at all. Nor has it ever existed within the innards of a metrosexuals nose.
The Man Bag
Also known as the man-purse, the man bag is a concept straight from Europe. This long-strapped bag is as sleek as its owner. Common brands are also European, like Louis Vuitton and Gucci. Laughing at these “fashion accessories” is not permitted.
Unless talking about oneself, the discourse of a metrosexual tends to venture into the realm of fashion. Liberal viewpoints and news sources also sprinkle the flawlessly enunciated dialogue of a metrosexual.
Sunglasses that give a solid silver reflection are at the nexus of the metrosexual’s image so that they can be used as a mirror… when a David Beckham mirror is not in reach.
Not to look like an overweight man with a garish gold necklace, the button-up designer shirt should be slim fit with tanned skin radiating through the unbuttoned collar.
This is a fastidious subject. It is “designed” using three $75+ hair products. “The Hair” is off limits to the touch of a curious onlooker just like a Serbian tiger at the local zoo.
The direct opposite of hip-hop jeans. They are tight, but not hipster tight. They have gentle crease marks, are occasionally pleated and always immaculate. Oh, and khakis aren’t khakis unless they cost north of $250.
The best way to spot a metrosexuals shoe is to follow the same theme of a sword: “The pointier the better.” They tend to also be made from the hide of a gazelle or Komodo dragon.